I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
