are you so shy because you have an std?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
