Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
