Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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