I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
