I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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