remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
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