So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
