I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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