this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
