My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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