Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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