So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
we're so committed to being not committed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
