I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
as a side note pls kill me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
