this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
