I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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