he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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