last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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