my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
