Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
