no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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