We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You are a genius and a whore.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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