well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
