did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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