well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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