just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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