Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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