You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
