Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
