My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
