I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
