I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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