I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
