I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
