I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That accounts for only three of the penises
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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