I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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