What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
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They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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