Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
