it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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