girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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