The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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