Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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