Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
