I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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