he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
