yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.