you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition