just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
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Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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