So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
