you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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