also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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