If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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