Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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