ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
